Buford Wants to Feel this Moment
Carl reviews the song "Feel This Moment". He thinks Buford's music is getting repetitive now. Memorable Quotes Carl: ....I haven't even picked a song yet. What is there? Is the radio still playing boring music? Vanessa and Baljeet: Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough... Carl: Uh-huh. Isabella: When you're ready, come and get it, na-na-na-na... Carl: Uh-huh. That's a yes. God, just give me the worst thing out right now. (a picture of Buford pops up) Carl: YOU AGAIN!? But....whatever, let's just get this done... Carl: (sighs angrily) (screen shows Buford rapping) Carl: Buford's still around. He's...still stupid. Let's see if I can remember what I said about Buford, aka the Tuff Gum Fanatic, aka Mr. Tuff Gum, aka Mr. Neighborhood Bully aka JesuschristIfeellikeI'vedoneamillionreviewsonhim. (screen shows Jenny singing "Like a G6") Carl: Around 2010 or so, I had been complaining about a lot of songs that I consider "club (bleep)". I came up with that term. I was begging for something that would sweep all the shallow club (bleep) away. And to my surprise, something came. (screen shows Vanessa singing "Rumor Has It") We actually got artists who made songs that showed, or tried to show, depth and maturity and creativity. These kind of songs began swarming the radio stations, and the charts are a much different place now. But for sweeping all the shallow stuff away, well, that did not happen, obviously. Sure, acts like the Du Bois brothers went away, but the bigger names like Coltrane, Stacy, and Baljeet refused to leave. They dug in their heels and laughed at our attempts to make them leave. They taunt us. Carl: Most of these artists chose not to change their style in anyway, unless you want to count Coltrane changing for the worst (screen shows Coltrane singing "Scream and Shout"). But the Buford story is a different one. Buford is always looking for the next big trend that will make him a star. In 2004, he became involved in the crunk genre (screen shows Buford wearing oversized clothes and rapping). He hitched his wagon on that, and became one of the first people to get big off those trends. The crunk genre died out two years later, and Buford should have been back on the streets at that point. But Buford someone predicted the dance music trend in 2009 to 2010 and transformed himself from the bully kid on the street to the suave, suit-wearing partygoer with VIP passes. So even though Buford is limited and talentless, he's a good barometer of where music is going. So where is music going now? Jeremy: There was a time, I met a girl of a different kind... Carl: Music seems to be shifting towards a serious-sounding kind of electronic dance music, especially from the Jeremy Johnson slash Monty Monogram slash PFT mold. Jeremy: Don't you worry, don't you worry child, see, heaven's got a plan for you... Carl: It's the kind of music that has a good message and can be easy to dance to. This kind of music can be just fine, but every single chart hit that tried it, I've absolutely HATED. Ginger: Come and make me feel alive... (the techno beat from "Alive" by Krewella starts playing) Carl: None of the big dance hits from this year or the last have been successful at pulling it off. And they're pulling all these big names like Adyson and Vanessa and Eliza Fletcher, of all freaking people, whoever has those strong voices to add depth to the lyrics, but no matter how good the singer is, the song NEVER works. It's too underwritten and impersonal to be meaningful, and too heavy for people to dance to. I would rather go back to the club (bleep). Stacy: I just want to feel this moment... Carl: The dance song with a dull beat is what Buford's going for here, which is a triple fail. Not only is it fun or meaningful, it's incoherent because Buford's being Buford all over it. Buford: (rapping) I'm far from cheap, I'm breaking down companies with all my peeps, baby, we could travel the world, and I could give you and all you can see... Carl: (sarcastically) That works, doing the thing that you always do............(lights up) Hey, fun experiment! Instead of me writing the review, you can make your own jokes and insights while I listen to some Jenny Brown. Let's start. (puts his headphones on and crosses his arms)...............................................This is not going to work. (takes the headphones off) I don't even like Jenny Brown....(facepalm) Buford: I make dollars, I make millions, I'm a genius, I mean billions... Carl: HAHAHAHA! I should be taking advice from YOU!? Why not? You're a genius, Buford. You're a genius because you have money. You know who else has money? Heinz Doofenshmirtz, another genius. As is Candace Flynn. I don't know why they don't just replace IQ tests with tests on who has more money. You're a genius, Buford. You're a musical genius. Carl: I should talk about the beat, oh boy. See, we have Stacy Hirano....Stacy Hirano-ing everywhere, and then, this happens. (the musical beat from "Feel this Moment" starts playing) Buford: (while the beat is playing) Mr. Buford.....Stacy Hirano.....(begins saying random gibberish) Carl: Hey, that's the synth riff from "Take On Me". (an eighties' song begins playing) (angrily) Yes, that is, indeed, the riff from "Take On Me". (the beat from "Feel this Moment" starts playing) Carl: WHY is that the riff from "Take On Me"!? Carl: Can I tell you a story? About five years ago, I worked at a pet shop that gave secret agent animals homes. I had to listen to the store's awful radio and its awful ten-song playlist. There was this one song that sampled the song "Spa Day". You know, this one. Ferb: It's spa day, P&F at the scene! Carl: Yeah, that. It sampled that. (screen shows a music video for the "Spa Day" sample song. It just shows Dr. Doofenshmirtz dancing in his underwear the entire time while a bad techno beat plays in the background) Carl: It was just that one sampled riff. (screen shows the music video more) Carl: It was just that, over and over and over again. It was just that riff, pumped into some happy-go-lucky, hardcore (bleep). I would hear it several times a day. (screen shows the music video) Carl: I have...scars. In fact, you can trace the fact that I've always been against dance music because of this song. This song is just so lazy. I've realized that there are more songs that do stuff like this. They sample a beat that's well-known and then screw it up with synthesizers. This is what Buford's done here. This is the equivalent of those awful spoof movies that references a famous movie without actually having a joke with it. (screen shows a man dressed in a badly-created Beak costume) Man: I am the Beak. (a giant platypus falls from the sky and crushes the man) Carl: This is the worst use of sampling since, oh gee, the last Buford song I reviewed. (screen shows Buford singing "Back in Time") Carl: Let's see what else he raps about. He just wants to "feel this moment". He makes money, he talks about suits.... Buford: You see me in a suit with the red tie tied up... Carl: He's seen the world... Buford: From the tallest building in Tokyo... Carl: That actually sets Buford apart from the rest of the party artists. He talks about how he's seen different parts of the world. One of his most tolerable songs is about just that. It would have been tolerable if he hadn't beaten into the ground with the other stuff he raps about. He doesn't really explain anything about the countries he's seen. He hasn't learned any culture. He just name-drops them. Buford: Tallest building in Tokyo...(changes songs) Brazil, Morocco, London to Ibiza...(changes songs) Peru....(changes songs) Mumbai....(changes songs) Manila....(changes songs) Malaysia... Phineas: (singing) United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama, Haiti, Jamaica, Peru... Carl: (in a bored voice) What else? Suits, suits and exotic places, girls....punchlines that don't make sense, alcohol, the usual Buford stuff.....Am I running out of ideas!? There's nothing new! There's not a single new thing in these lyrics! I might as well just play the old episodes on top of this..............actually, why not? I can do just that. If he can recycle himself and sample so lazily, then so can I! (screen shows Buford rapping) Carl: (from an earlier episode) This certainly was a big pile of... Buford: NUMBER TWO! Carl: With its mismatched sample, off-topic lyrics, tired self-arrogance....(from another episode) It is a complete and utter disaster. Carl: (in the present) But yeah. That worked totally well. I can keep doing this! (screen shows Buford rapping) Carl: (in another episode) It's nice that you've traveled the world, Buford, but you're not writing a "Summer Belongs to You" fanfiction. Agent P and all the other agents stay in Danville. They usually never leave Danville...(in the present).....Okay, that sample didn't really make sense, but neither did the sample for "Feel This Moment". Meta-commentary! Actually, let's bring back some of the older Buford episodes. (screen shows Buford rapping) Carl: (in earlier episodes) I hate you Buford, I hate you so much.....You suck so hard, Buford! YOU SUCK! (in the present).....God, I was so angry back then. Carl: Fortunately, I have to talk about Stacy Hirano, who I haven't done an episode on because she doesn't have hits anymore. Let me hit you with my opinion of Stacy. Stacy Hirano oversings and is awful. Clearly, I came up with that criticism way before Heinz Doofenshmirtz (screen shows an article about Doof dissing Stacy) and the Pinhead Pierre show (screen shows an Asian man dressed as Stacy screaming at the top of his lungs into a microphone) Carl: Why Buford asked her to do the hook, I have no idea. She's a has-been. You can tell how desperate she's getting from the music video, where she inserts herself into EVERY scene. (screen shows Buford rapping while Stacy dances in the background) Carl: She's on a show, but being a show didn't make Lindana any more musically relevant. Why her? Buford: (rapping) Stacy Hirano.... Carl: Oh, that's because Buford's trying to work with every foreign singer out there. Well, she's Japanese. She has a Japanese last name, and pretty much no connection to being Japanese at all. Remember when she released that Japanese album? (screen shows Stacy singing a ballad in Japanese) Carl: Yeah, that's hilarious. If I recall, she spoke Japanese like Candace Flynn. Candace: (says random gibberish that sounds Japanese) Annotation: My mother is busted for building a door. Carl: Actually, I did that one episode that involved her, "Moves Like Jagger". Let's see if I can sample that. Stacy: One day, when my light is golden... Carl: (in another episode) It reeks of utter desperation for Stacy Hirano. I wish I had more time to dedicate an episode into Stacy's transition into complete irrelevance, especially with the colossal failure of her last album and its godawful debut single with a godawful music video....As an artist, she's just always seemed confused on what she's trying to accomplish....(in the present) Way to frame a camera scene, Carl.......but yeah, that is all still true. Nothing has changed. Nowadays, we're talking about a different failure of an album, but yeah, all of that is still true. The more things don't change, the more they stay the same, I always say. Carl: At least Buford talks about sounding grateful for what he has accomplished. Compare that to Phineas, who tries to do it, but mostly sucks at it. Phineas: (rapping in a monotone voice) Started from the bottom, now we're here, started from the bottom, now the whole team's (bleep)ing here... Albert: (in a sarcastically monotone voice) My friends and I were broke, but now we're not. My friends and I were broke, but now we're not. Carl: I didn't even ask to use that. Unlicensed sample. Let's see him try to sue. Carl: (in earlier episodes) Inexcusable......Oh my god, this song sucks so much!........Someone give me a bag to vomit it......It makes me feel like a giant alien robot is urinating on me......(in the present) I have enough episodes that I can do that forever....(walks away from the set) Trivia *The creator likes this song *The song Vanessa and Baljeet were singing at the beginning is "Just Give Me a Reason" by Pink and Nate Ruess *The song Isabella was singing at the beginning is "Come and Get It" by Selena Gomez *The song about countries Phineas was singing about is an Animaniacs song *The part about the Asian man dressing up as Stacy is a nod to MADTV (not the animated one). There was a male Asian cast member on that show who sometimes dressed up as popular Asian women. *The rap song Phineas was singing at the end is "Started From the Bottom" by Drake. It is not that good. Category:Stories by Tpffan5196 Category:Reviews Category:Carl Category:Fanon Works Category:Buford Von Stomm Category:Stacy Hirano